Parenting is hard. Step-parenting can be even more difficult. Many blended families struggle, especially at first, about how to discipline each other’s children. These strategies outline some common approaches found to be helpful as you adjust.
1. Be a team with your partner
Parents always need to be a unified force. If expectations are inconsistent, children get confused and are set up to play one parent against the other. Begin with the understanding that each of you will share and enforce the same rules in the house. In general, see yourself and your partner as a team, rather than at odds with each other.
2. Don’t contradict each other
With this same idea in mind, don’t undermine the other parent. If this is happening, talk privately when the kids aren’t around and work out a strategy to stay on the same page. Reassess the rules and how to enforce them if needed.
3. Establish structure
With the changes of divorced or separated parents, and the blend of a new parent and sometimes siblings, the old structure may probably not work anymore. This can be confusing and feel unsafe for kids, and adults too.
Sometimes it’s not possible to keep a similar structure to that of the other household. However, you can establish a consistent structure at your house. Keep bedtimes, meals, and privileges the same day to day. It’s normal for kids to complain about this, but this structure is imperative to their ability to adapt and feel safe in the household.
4. Lay ground rules
Just as kids need structure, they need to understand rules. What behaviors are allowed in the house? What are the limits around devices, or expectations with homework? While discussing the rules, involve kids in the decision. What rules do they think are fair and important? What would they like parents to do differently (within reason)?
5. Create appropriate consequences
It’s normal for kids to break rules sometimes, and to push boundaries. This is part of testing limits and looking for independence at various stages of childhood and adolescence. However, consequences are needed for children to understand rules and modify their behavior.
When possible, natural consequences are best. For example, if a child doesn’t do their homework, they don’t get to watch T.V. or have screen time until it is completed. If she/he won’t turn off her tablet for dinner, it might get it taken away until after dinner or the following morning. If you’ve set a consequence or limit you need to be consistent.
6. Handle challenges calmly
It’s difficult for kids to adjust to stepparents, and they may never fully accept them until they become adults. That’s normal, as this new adult isn’t as trusted or known as their other parents. However, that doesn’t mean they can disrespect you.
If your stepchild disrespects or defies you, do what you need to stay calm in the moment. This may be taking a slow breath or stepping into the next room. Try not to raise your voice or react defensively to the child (realizing no one is perfect). Depending on the event, you and your partner might rationally talk to your stepchild about it. Explore with the child what upset them and encourage them to talk about their feelings.
Depending on the relationship and child’s age, you might later explain that certain actions are hurtful, and you want everyone to be kind and respectful in the house. Talk to them about other ways to express themselves that aren’t hurtful or disrespectful to others. Include your partner in this conversation with the child when possible.
It’s normal for blended families to struggle, and couples often report that counseling helps significantly with these adjustments. If step-parenting is affecting your relationship, or you’d like support about how to communicate with your partner about it, we can help. Contact us at The Relationship Suite to set up an appointment.
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