Are You and Your New Spouse Confused, Panicked, Discouraged? 

Second marriages are also hard.

Trust us, you are not alone. Like legions of couples trying marriage for the second time around, you likely hoped you’d never feel this way again. Certainly not so panicked, confused, and discouraged that concerns about a second divorce would start to keep you up at night. 

After all, this time, you were sure you knew who to pick and how to keep the love from fading. Again. Yet, here you are, considering couples counseling and feeling far less confident about yourself and your ability to “do marriage” well at all. 

 So, how exactly do you get where you want to be? 

The path to second marriage satisfaction, intimacy, and longevity is entirely possible. It starts with clarity, recovery, and support. Consider the following ways to get curious, commit to the necessary changes, and shore up your relationship one step at a time.

Couples Counseling NYC: Answer These Questions to Understand Why Your Second Marriage Feels Unstable

Was There Too Little Healing & Reflection Before You Remarried?

Sometimes people realize that they skipped a few steps in the healing process of their former relationship only after they’ve committed to someone new. Unprocessed hurt or betrayal, too little time for independence, and limiting beliefs can cause real issues for you and your new spouse. To thrive as a couple now, healing and reflecting on your past relationship is crucial. 

As much as you may “just want to move on,” your brains and bodies need to process and release the past so that you can proceed as a new, whole, and productive union.

What do healing and reflecting entail? To start,

  • Consider counseling now to work through your individual emotions safely and intentionally.
  • Acknowledge grief as part of the process. Give yourself time and space to feel difficult emotions tied to your former relationships.
  • Own your part. Consider and take responsibility for how you may have contributed to the relationship’s end.
  • Identify and work through any unhealthy patterns or behaviors that occurred with the relationship or as a result of it. 
  • Practice forgiveness and look for points of gratitude. 
  • Reflect on the lessons you’ve learned and use them to guide you in future relationships.
  • Practice self-care and focus on your own personal growth and happiness. Your new relationship will be better for it.

Are You Placing Too Much Pressure on Your New Union?

So many hopes are pinned on second marriages. Second chances at love come with high expectations and excitement. However, if you’re not careful, high expectations can become unrealistic expectations. It’s important to consider whether you might be placing too much pressure on your relationship to redeem the past or be infinitely more fulfilling.

The reality is that, according to US census data, second marriages struggle to live up to the dream. More than 60% don’t survive. Now is the time to slow down feelings of disappointment and evaluate the needs of your partner and current union. Be clear about your own expectations and determine what’s reasonable as a team.

Are You Confusing Incompatibility with Poor Communication?

One or both of you may have believed that your former relationships suffered because your exes were poor matches and your new marriage would have no such issue. Yet, here you are. What’s going on?

It may be a bit of a surprise to discover that your shaky second marriage is struggling, in part, due to shaky communication. Not because you chose the wrong person. Communication never stops being necessary for any relationship. There is no way to enjoy long-term relationships without it. Time spent learning how to productively connect, conflict, and problem-solve is invaluable.

To boost communication, try the following strategies:

  • Maintain a safe, open environment for sharing. If discussions or disagreements are repeating too often without resolution, reach out to a supportive couples therapist to help you set a new tone in your communication.
  • Look for communication patterns that interfere with relationship progress. For example, resist blaming and criticism. Don’t compare your partner or relationship to the past.
  • Make a practice of putting your relationship first, regardless of the discussion or conflict. Demonstrate that you love and appreciate each other even if you disagree. 
  • Keep interactions focused and considerate. Avoid silent treatment, passive aggression, or disrespect in any form. Be quick to apologize and forgive.

Did You Underestimate the Stress of Blending Your Lives?

If you didn’t realize how difficult it might be to combine your families and lifestyles the second time. You might be pretty stressed right now. You may have lots of attachments and histories to navigate daily as you try to build your own future.

Whether you’re dealing with difficult in-laws, problematic co-parenting situations, or a houseful of children to blend, your consistent, your loving support of each other is the glue that binds your family. Maintaining healthy boundaries and a united front will keep your relationship from being overwhelmed.

Regardless of other loved ones and their feelings about your marriage, take care to solidify your commitment to each other often. Talk about it. Remind yourselves often that you are on the same team. 

Do You Have a Plan for Ongoing Closeness and Goodwill?

Neglect isn’t great for any marriage. Instead, grow goodwill and intimacy between you routinely. Prioritize time, affection, and touching each other often. Take care to notice each other’s bids for attention and honor them with genuine interest and connection. 

Also, address seeds of resentment before they become persistent dissatisfaction or contempt too. Acknowledge that you may have some unmet needs and consider that your partner may feel the same. Choose compassion and face your challenges together. When you lean in intentionally, you keep the bonds of trust and honesty strong.

Couples Counseling NYC: Give Your Shaky Marriage the Support It Needs

If you’re still feeling anxious, it’s okay. Your marital frustrations and fears deserve attention tailored to your needs. However, remember that, despite the circumstances of your first marriage, your current situation is something altogether different. You can work through your difficulties together and have the relationship you want. You and your current partner are aware and seeking answers. 

Let us help. Please read more here about Couples Counseling

The Relationship Suite

To learn more about having a healthy connection, please Contact Us at The Relationship Suite. We can help you identify and work through whatever is getting in the way of finding peace, comfort, and lasting forgiveness.

We’re a group of skilled therapists specializing in relationship counseling. We provide individual and couples therapy. To find out more about Relationship Counseling NYC CLICK HERE.

Since Covid, we have been working with couples via Online Counseling in New York, and New York City including Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Westchester, Long Island, Port Washington, Roslyn, Manhasset, South Hampton, East Hampton, and Montauk. To schedule a complimentary consultation, click HERE.

We also provide Virtual Counseling in New Jersey, Hoboken, Jersey City, Princeton, Chatham, Morris, Westfield, Union, Bergen County, Colts Neck, and Tenafly. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.

Contact Us HERE for a complimentary consultation.