Boundaries are an important part of a successful relationship.
In fact, it’s much more satisfying to engage and interact when you and your partner are clear about how you want to be treated. You feel closer when you understand each other’s needs and take measures to do what feels respectful and relationship-honoring.
So, when your marriage feels compromised or undermined by outside forces, other sorts of boundaries should be erected too. Even if those boundaries are created for the people who raised you.
The truth is, however well-intentioned, parents can and interfere with your communication, connection, or future plans if you allow it. So, sometimes, preserving the peace between you and your partner means developing a plan to deal with your in-laws.
Why Dealing with In-Laws Matters
Often couples marry without giving much thought to the influence of their parents or how they’ll spend time with them as a couple. Without key discussions and a plan, this can lead to some serious misunderstandings and hard feelings, if you aren’t careful. A decision to not spend holidays with one partner’s family can feel threatening to one set of in-laws. A new grandchild can seem like an invitation to indiscriminate visitation to another set of in-laws.
A lack of communication early on can leave you feeling frustrated with each other and unsure of how to rein in you parents’ presence or opinions. What can you do to make ensure a balanced relationship with your in-laws?
Tips to Make Sure Your In-laws Don’t Make Trouble in Your Marriage
1. Stick Up for Your Spouse All the Time
Sometimes, intrusive in-laws create trouble because they treat you or your spouse in problematic ways. If this is true for you. remember that your marriage is the priority.
If you parents are condescending, dismissive or disrespectful, your allegiance to your partner must be clear. You are a team. You and your partner are guardians of each other’s dignity and advocates for your union. It is not disrespectful to your parents to send a clear message of solidarity.
2. Set Realistic Expectations
Life and relationships are not the stuff Hallmark movies. Joining two families is often tricky. People come together with baggage, expectations, biases, and misperceptions that require communication and patience to navigate.
Accepting this and setting expectations accordingly can help you avoid lots of family strife. When it comes to dealing with your parents, be as accepting as you can without accepting disrespect.
3. Focus on Common Ground
Are your in-laws opinionated or pushy? Do they often weigh in on the way you keep your house, raise your kids, or manage your finances? A good way to keep them from digging in on topics you don’t want to discuss is to simply find some common ground and steer them in another direction verbally. Rather than trying to challenge their expertise or experience, acknowledge their perspectives respectfully.
From there, notice and comment on the qualities and values you share. In other words, acknowledge honestly how you differ while validating their point of view.
4. Close the Open Book
Your in-laws deserve respect. However, they are not entitled to intimate knowledge of your relationship.
Healthy boundaries mean that you have every right not to divulge information. Talk to your partner before sharing details of your life together. Be clear about how much your in-laws need to know about your choices, plans, and priorities.
Also, be prepared to firmly reinforce and redirect in-laws together if they drift into territory you and your partner deem private. Make sure they know you love them but need to work through certain things without outside input. Be sure to hold this boundary even when things are difficult between you.
They may respond with hurt feelings, which can make the conversation challenging, but it’s important to remain firm.
5. Avoid Competitive, Confrontational Conversations
Your love for your parents and your partner aren’t mutually exclusive. Why should they be? The more support you both have in your lives, the better.
The goal is to keep communication open and connection healthy. If you find that a “divide and conquer” atmosphere dominates interaction, acknowledge this and address the problem promptly.
Share your concerns with each other and then address your in-laws together. Express your desire to enjoy a loving relationship with each other while maintaining emotionally safe connections with your parents too.
6. Reach Out for Extra Support
Do you still feel overwhelmed just thinking about dealing with your in-laws? You aren’t alone, professional guidance may be in order. Please read more about couples therapy. Together, we can work through difficult emotions and interactions and find ways to help you put your relationship first. Contact us at The Relationship Suite for more information and relationship solutions.
The Relationship Suite
We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in couple and marriage therapy. If you want to learn more about our Couples and Marriage therapy services CLICK HERE. To schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
