Couples with ADHD
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can cause many problems at work or school, but it can become particularly damaging when it comes to having a relationship. Problems with time management, emotion control, organization, getting started on tasks, and self-control are the hallmark symptoms of ADHD. If you or your partner have ADHD feelings of frustration and resentment will eventually arise between you and your partner.
ADHD can be especially challenging in your relationship if the symptoms of ADHD have never been properly diagnosed or treated. Once you are able to identify how the symptoms are ADHD are influencing your interactions as a couple, you can learn better ways of responding. For the partner with ADHD, this means learning how to manage your symptoms. For the non-ADHD partner, this means learning how to react to frustrations in ways that will encourage and motivate your partner.
Why do Adults with ADHD have Relationship Problems
It’s difficult to be in a relationship with a partner who suffers from ADHD. If you or you and your partner have these symptoms, you may benefit from couples counseling.
Your partner has problems paying attention
ADHD is a disorder of having too much attention, to the point where regulating or focusing that attention is difficult. What this means is that for someone with ADHD it is difficult to not focus on things or thoughts as they start to come into their mind. This causes the task or thing they should be focusing on to go on the back burner. Because of this, it is difficult to stay focused on one thing without distractions taking over. Signs of inattention in your partner may appear as missing details, becoming distracted easily, trouble focusing on the task at hand, daydreaming or becoming confused easily.
Your partner is forgetful
It is human to forget sometimes occasionally, but for people with ADHD forgetfulness occurs much more often. If your partner suffers from ADHD you may notice they regularly forget important dates, forget to pay bills, or forget where they have placed something. This occurs in people with ADHD because both their working memory is impaired and they have problems with inattention. This makes it very easy to forget important and not so important things.
Your partner has problems controlling their emotions
Trouble managing emotions is a common ADHD symptom and more than half of people with ADHD have trouble regulating their emotions. Problems with impulse control can make it easy for someone with ADHD to become carried away by what they are feeling, and act on it without considering how it will affect other people or themselves. This can create struggles for someone with ADHD like behaving unpredictably, losing sight of other people’s perspective, saying things that they later regret, and showing intense anger. All of these symptoms can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Your partner has trouble with time management
People with ADHD often have trouble with time management including time perception. Things may feel like they take a shorter time than they actually do. This can manifest in waiting until the last minute to get something done, arriving late to engagements, or paying bills late. Also because things feel like they can be done in a shorter amount of time people with ADHD often find themselves over committing. Over committing and problems with time perception can make it very difficult to be on time for responsibilities.
Your partner is impulsive
Impulsivity refers to acting without thinking first. Impulsivity can be the effect of being distracted, hyperactivity and having poor emotional regulation. Your partner’s impulsivity may be experienced as being impatient with waiting their turn or in line, blurting out answers before questions have been completed or interrupting others. In addition, your partner may engage in risk activities or behavior without thinking about the consequences.
When You or You and Your Partner have ADHD
After learning how these symptoms affect you and influence your relationship, you and your partner can implement different strategies and tools to help develop a healthier relationship. Here is a list of ways to help create a meaningful and satisfying relationship with a partner who has ADHD.
Communicate– ADHD symptoms like trouble with regulating emotions can interfere with communication. To prevent emotions from taking over disagreements, allow a period before engaging in conversation after a triggering event. During this period, think about what you are feeling and what the real issue you are upset about is. If you are feeling resentful or frustrated because your partner with ADHD is having a hard time with starting tasks, staying organized or time management you can bring up how you are feeling but also bring up possible plans or suggestions to help them with these symptoms. Stay focused on what the behavior you want to help them work on.
Listen Actively– Part of good communication is being able to focus completely on the speaker and understand their message. When you and your partner have talks about triggering or hot button topics, listen closely to your partner and ask questions so you can understand what the issue means to them. While your partner is talking you should try to maintain eye contact, prevent yourself from interrupting and try to focus on the words your partner is saying. If you have problems with focus, set time aside to practice active listening with your partner.
Research and educate yourself on the symptoms so you don’t personalize– People with ADHD often have problems with time management, emotional regulation, organization, getting started on tasks, and self-control. By educating yourself to these symptoms it is easier to see your partner’s problems as more a symptom of ADHD and not as a reaction to you. By better understanding ADHD, it is easier to see how these symptoms are influencing your interactions as a couple and you can learn better ways to respond.
Work together as a team– As with any relationship each partner brings to the couple different skills and talents. Take some time to identify which tasks you are good at and which are more challenging for you. For example, the non-ADHD partner may be better at handling the bills while the partner with ADHD may be more suited to buying the groceries and cooking. By dividing tasks and sticking to these responsibilities each partner plays an integral part of a team.
Create a structured detailed plan– Having a structured detailed plan is helpful to prevent misunderstandings and the partner with ADHD may benefit from the added organization. Start by talking about the things you fight most about. Then work together to come up with a system to help. For example, if a partner needs help with remembering to take out the trash, perhaps both partners may come up with the idea to implement a recurring online calendar scheduling system that has an alarm to help. Coming up with a structured detailed plan will help prevent misunderstandings because both partners will have an agreed upon and discussed plan and system to help stay on top of that plan.
ADHD Couples Therapy Near Me
If ADHD remains untreated or under treated, these patterns can leave both partners unhappy, lonely, and feeling overwhelmed by their relationship. As in any relationship, if you or your and your partner have ADHD don’t wait to get the support you need and make the necessary changes to improve your life.
If you or your partner suffer from ADHD and are having problems in your relationship the counselors at The Relationship Suite are here to help. Contact us for a free consultation to learn how we can help guide you to a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
