Betrayal is a Trauma: How to Heal From the Heartbreak

Infidelity. Sex addiction. Misuse of shared finances. Lying. Disloyalty.

Do any of those experiences resonate with you? They all have one thing in common: betrayal. And betrayal from a life partner is a hard thing to overcome.

If you experienced such a violation in your relationship with your significant other, you know how devastating it can be. The way you see your partner shifts terribly. The person you trusted becomes the enemy of your heart. The sense of belonging you felt fractures. The safety you treasured with the friend you trusted falls away.

It all hurts. Moreover, if you don’t have the tools to process the pain, the shock of it all can get stuck in your body and mind.

This sort of interpersonal damage is often referred to as betrayal trauma. It is legitimate and real, transforming your relationship into a source of danger and victimization you likely did not see coming.

So, how do you cope with such a blow?

Avoidance? Withdrawal? Revenge? All are common reactions to betrayal, but there are much better ways to survive it. You can absolutely deal with the mental and emotional fallout, and come out the side stronger.

Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight or without support. You may very well be experiencing PTSD symptoms. Your brain and nervous system need help to adjust and discharge the anxiety created by your loved one.

To cope with the betrayal trauma, find relief, and fully recover, the following steps are a healthy start:.

Know the Signs of Betrayal Trauma 

Obviously, depending on the circumstances, your reaction to being betrayed will look different than someone else’s. However, there are several typical signs of betrayal trauma to be aware of. They include those similar to PTSD symptoms: 

• Trouble articulating or governing your emotions
• Anxiety or depression
• Flashback or nightmares
• Jumpiness
• Physical pain, nausea, and/or digestive issues

Betrayal trauma also tends to dole out acute levels of

• Low self-worth
• Guilt and shame
• Irritability, anger, and/or rage
• Numbness and/or dissociation
• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

You also might also have significant difficulty time trusting anyone, losing your faith in people. Try to challenge the urge to push people away. You serve connection and care. Debilitating thoughts that lead to deeper anxiety or depression can arise, even influencing your physical health. 

If you notice that these symptoms are persistent and disruptive, you need to seek support and take action in the following ways:

What You Can Do to Recover from Betrayal Trauma

Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgement

It’s okay if you are confused about how to behave, how to get back to normal, or how to move forward alone. None of your feelings are wrong. Give yourself time and space to notice sadness, anger, grief, and resentment as it rises. Permit your feelings to come and go, burying them will only keep you stick or cause them to bubble up inappropriately later. Accept your emotions and commit to processing them fully as a means to healing.

Treat Yourself Kindly

Betrayal can be such a wound to your heart that it’s easy to indulge in an automatically self-critical response. You can easily start asking yourself how you could’ve missed the signs of betrayal. Worse, you could get into the habit of calling yourself stupid for doing so. Soon you can just start thinking of yourself as undeserving of a quality partner or loyalty in general.

Paying attention to internal unkindness and unproductive automatic thoughts is vital for creating more helpful self-talk. Be very intentional, perhaps using a  daily mantra, journal, or meditation, to help track and direct your thoughts positively and affirmatively. Assure yourself that regardless of the mistakes, missed signals, or even your future decisions regarding the relationship, you are always valuable and worthy of love.

Talk to Understanding People Often for Perspective

Betrayal trauma can skew your relational memory. The pain looms so largely in your mind that you may measure perfectly loyal and trusted loved ones by the offending relationship. Take some time to share what’s happened with an empathetic, non-judgemental loved one or a support group. People who know you or share your experience can help you see things clearer. As you share, they can help you see aspects of the relationship you can’t see from inside your own head. In the meantime, you’ll find that love and trust are still available to you when you need them.

Allow Therapy to Ground and Empower You

Therapy can help you both to recognize that you aren’t as out of control as you feel right now. Therapy can help you slow down your thoughts and challenge your assumptions about yourself and your partner.  Thereby, you can work through the history of your relationship, areas of unproductive communication,  and problematic boundaries that may have contributed to the current situation.

A therapist can help you to take control of your emotions and your future again so that you feel less dominated by your partner’s actions. Whatever you decide about the future of that relationship, trauma therapy with a compassionate, experienced professional is a valuable next step.

Please reach out, we’re ready when you are. We have the experience to support trauma sufferers. Please read more about PTSD therapy and reach out for support soon to feel better and live well.