Many couples feel shame that they or their partner have had an affair. However, they may be surprised to learn that 15% of women and 25% of men admit to having an affair outside of their marriage.
The good news is that if the recovery is handled well, you can actually reinvent your relationship and end up happier in the long run. Esther Perel, relationship and affair expert described such a perspective in an interview with NPR. “I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other. What it did to you and what it meant for me.”
The Betrayed Partner
When an affair happens, it’s important for both partners to get in touch with their core feelings, about the relationship both before and after the affair. The betrayed partner should recognize and acknowledge feelings of hurt, betrayal, and sadness.
Anger is normal as well, but once that is settled a bit, try to dig deeper into the underlying feelings. Do you feel betrayed because your partner lied, or because you feel not wanted? Is this bringing up any childhood feelings that are making this even more complicated? How were you feeling about the relationship prior to the affair?
Ideally, the betrayed partner can express these feelings to the other partner, who will eventually be in a place to embrace, validate and accept their experience.
The Partner Who Strayed
Similarly, the partner who had the affair is likely to feel pain, regret, and hurt as well. They need to take responsibility for what happened and its effect on their partner and acknowledge the betrayal of trust and impact it had on the relationship.
However, it isn’t that simple. Typically, there are problems in the relationship that were there all along. The partner who had the affair should try to recognize their own unmet needs. These won’t necessarily be sexual, as that’s just one of many aspects of connection in a relationship.
There may have been emotional abandonment, contempt, or estrangement, prior to the affair, which affected either or both partners. What happened that caused one or both to stray outside of the relationship, and what was missing that didn’t allow them to work through these problems together?
Both Partners
While both partners have to heal individually, an affair is also a way to grow together. Perel says, “Moving the affair from ‘What you did to me?’ to ‘When we went through this crisis together …’ is the switch in narrative that you see in most of the couples who have been able to restore trust.”
Key areas many couples need to work on include emotional connection and communication. If a relationship is full of contempt and blame, then it’s hard to get past that to a point of listening and empathy. Sometimes basic skills of communicating and listening aren’t there, and this may be complicated by defensiveness or anxiety about the relationship. This can make working through issues and deepening intimacy very difficult.
While there are exceptions, such as when one partner has a sexual or other addiction, affairs are about deeper problems in a relationship. This is one area where couples counseling can be particularly helpful. A trained counselor, experienced in dealing with affairs, can help you and your partner through this healing process.
Couples Therapy Provides Support
As devastating as it can be to experience an affair, it can also be an opportunity to heal aspects of your relationship that can make a big difference. Many couples decide to commit to working through the affair and as a result are able to strengthen their relationship. Our counselors at the Relationship Suite act in a neutral and supportive role, helping you and your partner grow and heal together. Contact us today to learn more.
The Relationship Suite
We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in couples/marriage counseling. Since Covid started we have been working with couples providing Online Couples Counseling in New York, New York City including Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Long Island, South Hampton, East Hampton, Montauk. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
Due to Covid we are also providing Virtual Couples Counseling in New Jersey, Hoboken, Jersey City, Princeton, Chatham, Morris, Westfield, Union, Bergen County, Colts Neck, Tenafly. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
