Single people everywhere long for deeper connections but dread the puzzle of dating sites, social media, meeting up, and moving forward.
To be sure, romance novels and “meet-cute” movies aside, dating is actually a skills-based process. And it can really start to feel like work if you don’t know what those skills are.
To date well, you need skills and habits that help you rein in anxiety, strengthen self-esteem, and clearly define your own values. You don’t need anyone to complete you.
You can come to the dating pool completely secure and prepared for fruitful, authentic interactions.
Dating Skills to Know, Develop & Improve Your Odds for Romance
Dating Skill #1: Vet Well
If you can see dating as a vetting process first and foremost, you can get so much more out of it. Clearing out clearly unsuitable matches is a good thing. It prevents unnecessary attachment and time investment.
It’s okay to recognize that you don’t owe anyone whose values and character don’t align with yours a second date. This may seem cold, consider it a way to ensure your most basic standards are held.
You aren’t ruthlessly and judgmentally cutting down potential partners (see dating skill #2). Rather you’re defining your needs and honestly releasing someone that doesn’t meet them. You’ve seen enough. Moreover, you’re honoring yourself by resisting the regrettable notion that you could create a lasting connection with crossed fingers and imagination.
Dating Skill #2: Open Your Mind to Changing Your Mind
To be clear, this is not a call to back off of your fundamental values and dating deal-breakers. This is simply a call to be a bit less biased and judgmental. Slow down the first interaction, avoid snap assessments of your date. Try to see who is really standing in front of you. Even if they don’t seem to be your type at first.
Interestingly, many married people share that they didn’t have the most positive first impression of their mate initially. Why? Often assumptions were made about superficial matters, like clothes or a car. Sometimes prejudices regarding education, where they were raised, or even a partner’s accent got in the way.
Yet, after leaning in with a little humility and curiosity, the truth of their connection materialized. To find a diamond in the rough, it’s okay to weed through the superficial so that their character can shine.
Dating Skill #3: Pay Attention to Timing
It’s very important to gauge the timing between you and a potential mate. It’s demoralizing to realize that the energy and motivation to keep a good thing going is just never going to emerge.
Hone your ability to determine relationship readiness. Even if you are having a great time together, poor timing can undermine eventual commitment.
You don’t have to invest months into a person before you know whether the timing is off. If you notice a tendency toward passivity and neglect (they are too busy, too tired, too involved elsewhere, etc), don’t hang on. Your time and energy are too valuable.
Dating Skill #4: Don’t Blow Through Relationship Red Lights
Dating someone you connect with is exhilarating. It’s easy to get carried away before you’re fully informed.
Falling too hard, too quickly can ruin dating and relationships for a long time afterward if you aren’t careful. There is no substitute for taking your time and responding wisely to what you learn.
Get to know the person that piques your interest. Look out for signs that trust is (or isn’t) warranted. Actions speak…don’t ignore red flags like disrespect, dishonesty, or that gut feeling that something isn’t right.
Dating Skill #5: Prioritize Your Intentions Over the Need to Make an Impression
Finally, dating advice is often fraught with strategies to draw partners to you. Yet, those tactics can lead to unhealthy and inauthentic behavior. Have you been there… trying too hard to impress and devaluing what is already attractive about you?
Improve your own thinking. You may be working with a fixed and unhealthy dating mindset. You’ll feel more attractive and content when you see yourself as more than a sum of profile-approved parts.
Come to the table open, confident, and ready to share yourself. Being intentional, and prepared to leave the table if a date proves disingenuous, reduces the fear of being inadequate or rejected. You’re then free to have fun, learn, and draw the right people to you by actually being you.
Are You Ready to Sharpen These Skills? Need Help?
Relationship counseling can make dating much more productive and far less daunting. With help, you can uncover relationship obstacles and discover what you want from yourself and your future partner.
Please read more about our client-centered approach to individual relationship counseling. We want to help you chart a path toward the healthy, lasting partnership you desire. We will help you identify and work through what is getting in the way of finding lasting love.
To learn more about our Relationship Counseling services, click here.
If you’re struggling, call 917-273-8836 or contact us for a complimentary consultation to learn more about counseling in NYC and how we can help you.
