The Gottman library of interventions include a Repair Checklist. It’s a list of phrases clustered into different categories including I FEEL, SORRY, GET TO YES. The idea is that as conversations escalate, you can turn to the list and identify which phrases will and won’t work. See below examples of the Gottman Repair list and use them in your relationship to de-escalate and communicate more effectively.

Gottman Repair Checklist

I Feel

  1. I’m getting scared.
  2. Please say that more gently.
  3. Did I do something wrong?
  4. That hurt my feelings.
  5. That felt like an insult.
  6. I’m feeling sad.
  7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
  8. I’m feeling unappreciated.
  9. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
  10. Please don’t lecture me.
  11. I don’t feel like you understand me right now.
  12. Sounds like it’s all my fault.
  13. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
  14. I’m getting worried.
  15. Please don’t withdraw.

Sorry

  1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.
  2. I really blew that one.
  3. Let me try again.
  4. I want to be gentler to you right now and I don’t know how.
  5. Tell what you hear me saying.
  6. I can see my part in all this.
  7. How can I make things better?
  8. Let’s try that one over again.
  9. What you are saying is…
  10. Let me start again in a softer way.
  11. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

Get to Yes

  1. You’re starting to convince me.
  2. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
  3. Let’s compromise here.
  4. Let’s find our common ground.
  5. I never thought of things that way.
  6. This problem is not very serious in the big picture.
  7. I think your point of view makes sense.
  8. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
  9. What are your concerns?

I Need to Calm Down

  1. Can you make things safer for me?
  2. I need things to be calmer right now.
  3. I need your support right now.
  4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand.
  5. Tell me you love me.
  6. Can I have a kiss
  7. Can I take that back?
  8. Please be gentler with me.
  9. Please help me calm down.
  10. Please be quiet and listen to me.
  11. This is important to me. Please listen.
  12. I need to finish what I was saying.
  13. I am starting to feel flooded.
  14. Can we take a break?
  15. Can we talk about something else for a while?

Stop Action!

  1. I might be wrong here.
  2. Please let’s stop for a while.
  3. Let’s take a break.
  4. Give me a moment. I’ll be back.
  5. I’m feeling flooded.
  6. Please stop.
  7. Let’s agree to disagree here.
  8. Let’s start all over again.
  9. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw.
  10. I want to change the topic.
  11. We are getting off track.

I Appreciate

  1. I know this isn’t your fault.
  2. My part of this problem is…
  3. I see your point.
  4. Thank you for…
  5. That’s a good point.
  6. We are both saying…
  7. I understand.
  8. I am thankful for…
  9. I love you.
  10. I see what you’re talking about.
  11. This is not your problem, it’s OUR problem.
  12. One thing I admire about you is…

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