Have you ever felt a wave of resentment rise while loading the dishwasher after a long day’s work? Or mumbled under your breath angrily as you fold another pile of laundry? Are you frustrated and contentious all weekend because not one box on your honey-do list has been checked?

Or maybe you’re on the other side of that fight.

Your partner says you don’t care. You’re accused of being oblivious, unresponsive, or worse, purposely inconsiderate. But, you know, no matter how much you check off those boxes, your partner will never be satisfied.  

First, it’s important to take a breath. Household division of labor is one of the most common disagreements between couples. It’s not unusual for one partner to feel taken advantage of. Or for the other to feel picked on and harrassed about the work they do take on. 

Are you wondering how happy couples manage to work things out?

Productive, mutually beneficial compromise is the secret to chore-sharing success. Consider these strategies below for restoring household harmony:

First Things First: Is This Really About Chores?

It may be that you both need to check in with yourselves individually before you start talking compromise. In other words, be sure that your fights about the household division of labor are honest. Are you really arguing about dishes and laundry? Or is your frustration and resentment linked to other, unresolved issues?

If you sense that your power struggle about chores is really about something deeper, address those issues first.

How to Share Chores, Compromise, & Feel Close While Doing It

No household is the same. As you consider your household needs, do your best to stay respectful and open-minded. Listen actively to each other. Do your best to avoid assumptions about each other’s feelings as you discuss what’s fair and productive. Intentionally stay focused on harmony and cooperation.

Teamwork Makes the House Work

Nagging, blaming, and silent treatment are not effective approaches to a chore solution. Messes happen. It may be that you never really discussed how to team up at home. What does “sharing chores” really mean to each of you? 

Set up team expectations for your relationship by answering some key questions:

  • What is an ideal solution for each of you?
  • What feels inequitable or unfair?
  • Which jobs play to your individual strengths?
  • Which chores do you each dread, hate, avoid?
  • What do you each propose to do about jobs you both hate?
  • What kind of acknowledgment feels good when the job is done?

The objective here is to argue less and communicate more. When you stop keeping score and avoiding the problem, you can start dealing with what makes your household work as a team.

Compromise May Mean Giving Up on “Splitting” the Chores

Many couples assume chore sharing will be an even split. However, how do you decide what’s fair and equal? Does a load of laundry (separated, folded, and put away) equal a scrubbed toilet and sink? Are 15 minutes of unloading the dishwasher equal to an hour cleaning out the car?

This view of chore equality is exhausting, not to mention prone to a lot of tit-for-tat when one of you fails to get things done.

So, it may be worth it to both of you to look at it chores another way. Try a few tips:

  • Divvy up chores that suit your personalities first, this ensures they’ll be done well.
  • Be reasonable about your schedules. If one of you works more hours or has a more physically taxing job, it’s reasonable to have fewer physical chores.
  • Consider staying away from assignment models like chore charts and honey-do lists. It may not benefit intimacy and closeness to “parent” each other.

The idea here. Clear, respectful discussion about what needs to be done each week. Without judgment or agenda, graciously ask each other for help. Then, emphasize how much you appreciate being able to come to each other for help. Caring partners who approach chores fairly and sensibly tend to feel more valued and satisfied in their relationships.

Roll with It

Even if you come up with a chore compromise today, life changes on a dime. Pandemics come, jobs go. You never know how your household will be challenged. Thus, a big part of compromising is putting things in perspective.

Acceptance and tolerance can help ease anxiety about being taken advantage of and not measuring up to your partner’s standards. Remember that you love each other more than a clean house.

Consider the following ways to keep chores from overwhelming your ability to connect:

  • Offer to join forces or call in reinforcements rather than pressuring each other repeatedly.
  • Check in on your chore agreement monthly and remain open to revisions.
  • Maintain a sense of humor and prioritize your desire to meet each other’s needs.

Seek Support

If you find that chores have gotten too bogged down to resolve with these tips, it’s perfectly okay. You aren’t alone. Sometimes compromise requires more than just revisiting the perceived issues and hammering things out. 

Do you want relationship guidance for instant growth and change? Take advantage of the audio programs available at the Online Couples Toolkit.

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