Disagreements with your partner can escalate, and it may start to feel like you’re arguing all the time. While some people do enjoy a debate, within a relationship for others it can feel discouraging or overwhelming.
To reverse this pattern, work with your partner to turn your arguments into conversations. These steps can help you practice.
1. Take a Time Out
If you find that you tend to get triggered by certain topics or the way your partner phrases things, take a step back. Before responding, use some self-soothing skills to calm down any defensive reactions. For many people, deep breathing or grounding techniques can help. Find whatever works for you. You may even need a time out and tell you partner you want to schedule time later to discuss the sensitive topic. Once you feel calmer, you can continue the conversation.
2. Identify the Underlying Trigger
Sometimes people argue out of habit, or because each person has differing views of values around a topic. For example, if you believe that life is short so money should be enjoyed, and your partner wants to save as much as possible, you’re likely to disagree. You may be arguing over what seems trivial, like where to have dinner, but the underlying reason is that you’re coming from a different perspective about how and when to spend money.
There’s nothing wrong with these differences, but if you’re unaware of them during the moment, then you’re likely to repeat the same arguments over and over. When you notice conflict coming up, check in with yourself and ask why this is important to you, and why you’re getting triggered.
3. Listen to Your Partner
As you become more self-aware, it’s also important to listen to your partner. This isn’t just to be supportive and validating, but to get valuable information. If they tend to get defensive every time you mention you’re going on a work trip, there’s probably a reason. When things settle down, explore this with them.
Use a gentle approach, such as “It seemed like something was bothering you when I mentioned going to that conference. Is there anything you want to talk about?” Try to listen, as neutrally as you can, and reflect it back so you know you have it right. Consider it from their viewpoint, absent of your own triggers if possible.
4. Communicate How You Feel
Once you’re feeling ready to share, and have listened fully to your partner’s side, identify what you need to say. This could be simply wanting to be heard in the moment or expressing an ongoing frustration. Rather than using accusatory statements, try the “I statement” approach. Express your own feelings about a situation, rather than blaming or putting it on your partner.
Once you’ve expressed what you need to, also talk to your partner about ways to approach such topics in the future. Perhaps you felt accused or invalidated. If that’s the case, talk about what would make such conversations easier.
5. Find out your Partner’s Intention
Often when we you are ready to have a conversation about an issue, find out what was behind your partner’s reaction. He/She may have had good intentions behind the action and they may help you experience it differently.
6. Consider Letting it Go
Sometimes couples argue out of habit, or due to an underlying resentment. Those resentments do need to be addressed, but not necessarily in that very moment. If your partner says something that irritates you, consider letting it go. Check in with your partner and have them explain what they really meant. You can always bring it up later if it’s still on your mind and process it with them.
Changing the way you interact with your partner can seem like a lot of work, but the investment is worth it in the long run. If you’re struggling with this and would like support, we can help. Contact us today to schedule a complimentary consultation.
The Relationship Suite
We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in couples/marriage therapy. We provide individual and couples therapy in New York, New York City including Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Long Island, South Hampton, East Hampton, Montauk. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
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