Is Infidelity In My Future?

Infidelity. You want to see it coming. We want to head it off. All of us want to believe that your relationship won’t weather that particular storm.

But is that realistic? There is so much uncertainty around the topic.

• How common is infidelity?
• Is there a way to know whether infidelity is inevitable?
• Do most of us just have to accept that unfaithfulness is just part of our relationship reality?

Let’s see.

Is Infidelity In My Future? How Common is Unfaithfulness

First, Beware: The Stats on Infidelity are Skewed by Shame

It would be great to get solid, irrefutable statistics regarding affairs and unfaithfulness. However, as you can imagine, few of the involved parties willingly share the details or admit participation at all.

The most accurate surveys rely heavily on how researchers ask such sensitive questions. Not surprisingly,  anonymous questionnaires yield more accurate information and a higher number of admitted unfaithful partners.

The Prevalence of Infidelity is Deeply Connected to How Infidelity is Defined

With the discrepancy in actual infidelity and admitted infidelity numbers understood, also consider the definition of “infidelity” between partners. In the days before the internet, on-demand pornography, and an ever-widening understanding of sexual identity and relationships, infidelity was understood as sex with someone other than your partner.

Of course, that definition still holds, but the onus is truly on you and your partner to define your terms early and often to be sure you are on the same fidelity page. Is infidelity linked only to intercourse? Or is flirting and virtual sex okay? Does how you feel about your connection and closeness drive the definition?

“Justifiable Infidelity” Indicates the Uptick in Unfaithfulness Is Real

You should know that some research indicates that a majority of surveyed American adults view extramarital sex as “always wrong.” However, a majority of Americans who have been unfaithful justify their actions. This doesn’t mean that these actions are viewed as okay, but they are seen as a solution to a relationship challenge, problem, or issue with the primary partner. Thus, more infidelity occurs.

Also, it is possible that the pandemic is influencing an upsurge in infidelity. All of our time locked down and online may have made infidelity that much more enticing. 2020 research revealed that a dating site for married people brought in 1,500 new members over the previous year.

The Bright Spot?

This view of infidelity seems to indicate that, though unfaithfulness is not ideal, it needn’t be the death knell of your relationship, should you experience it. Many couples report that repairing their marriages and relationship after an affair is much more possible.

The sheer number of people in the same situation has opened minds and created new solutions.  Relationship expert Esther Perel notes that people are often unfaithful to transform their own regret and express newly-formed identities. For many couples, relationship renewal is possible, with mutual commitment and knowledgable, compassionate guidance.

It was only when couples concede that infidelity is a symptom of their relationship problems, not the primary issue, that they begin to deal with their challenges and grow positively.

Facing Facts and Laying A Healthy Foundation

Finally, research aside, infidelity happens frequently. Even if we aren’t surprised, we are still upset and sad when betrayal happens. As common as infidelity is, it shouldn’t be ignored. Let us help.

We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in couples/marriage therapy. We provide individual and couples therapy in New York, New York City including Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Long Island, South Hampton, East Hampton, Montauk. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.

We also provide Online Couples Counseling in New Jersey, Hoboken, Jersey City, Princeton, Chatham, Morris, Westfield, Union, Bergen County, Colts Neck, Tenafly. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.