Never mind that age-old childhood saying about “sticks and stones” – in the real world, words do harm and have a way of wedging themselves between couples, leading to the buildup of resentment and anger.
We’re living in an era that is all about communication…instant, constant, easy communication. So why is it that the most challenging communication is often the one that takes place within your closest relationship?
It goes without saying that the more emotional and physical intimacy you share with another person, the more challenging it is to create open lines of healthy communication.
Communication in a relationship isn’t as simple as saying “I love you”. It requires putting effort into nurturing the relationship and developing positive communication habits. Habits that work with both you and your partner’s communication styles.
From my years of training and experience as a New York couples therapist, I’ve identified some key relationship strategies to help create effective communication in relationships, whether you are dating or in a marriage.
Often times we complicate our communication by expressing anger and general frustration that our real message can get lost. By learning and practicing new strategies, you and your partner can enjoy the understanding and intimacy that comes with better communication.
One of my all-time favorite communication strategies is ‘The XYZ Statement’ strategy (created by Gottman, Notarius, Markman and Gonso).
When talking about problems or frustrations, it’s easy to point fingers and cast blame on your partner for your feelings. Using the XYZ strategy, you are taking responsibility for your feelings, and communicating clearly to your partner.
How The XYZ Works
When communicating with your partner, address a specific behavior (X) in a specific context (Y), that caused you to experience a specific feeling (Z). By getting into the habit of using this strategy, couples will notice less defensiveness and anger in their relationship.
Example: When you didn’t call me (X) to wish me happy anniversary (Y), I felt angry and unimportant (Z).
Remember to make sure you choose the right time and calm place to do this with your partner.
As in everything in life, to strengthen your communication skills, you need to practice, practice, practice! So practice your X,Y,Z’s and reap the rewards..
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