I’ve met so many couples during my years as a psychotherapist whose problems boil down to a simple issue: the lack of communication.

Some signs of poor communication in a relationship include:

  • Getting Defensive
  • Lack of Empathy
  • Lack of Compromise
  • Criticism
  • Focusing on “facts” rather than what the experience was like for your partner

These couples may communicate in the literal sense of the word, in that they are ‘conveying information’, but are they communicating? Are they not only listening to each other (note: hearing and listening are two entirely different things!), but also internalizing each other’s messages? By internalizing, I mean are they listening to their partner without blame, defensiveness and ego getting in the way? This is what’s key to a healthy relationship, being able to support your partner by understanding of their subjective experience and empathy. Once a couple can communicate without these barriers, they can start on the path of change to a mutually fulfilling and intimate relationship.

In most cases, this type of communication skill does not come naturally. It is suggested that the way to ingrain it into your relationship is to learn and continually use this valuable communication strategy:

The Mirroring Exercise (Harville Hendrix) –

Love does not automatically translate into a happy and successful relationship based on good communication. This strategy is all about that other ‘L’ word….Listening.

In this exercise, couples need to appoint a ‘sender’ and a ‘receiver’. The sender will share their feelings and thoughts about a subject, while the receiver listens quietly. The receiver will then repeat the facts exactly as the sender said them, without expressing their own feelings, defensiveness or explanations. Once the sender has approved the statement and feels their partner fully understands what they are saying, the partners will switch roles and repeat the exercise. This strategy opens the lines of communication and achieves validation and empathy.

The Mirroring exercise might initially appear to slow your conversations down; but believe me; this process is much faster than the time it takes most of us to wade through distorted communication. It also eliminates the pain and frustration associated with misunderstandings and prejudgments. 

Practice this strategy at home with your partner as often as possible – how about as a daily activity after dinner or once the kids have been put to sleep? Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of an argument to try to use this technique – that’s often not the best time to try something new as rationality is usually overrun by emotion at that point. Rather, practice the Mirroring Exercise regularly so that it becomes a habit for you as a couple.

Do you want relationship advice for instant growth and change? Take advantage the audio programs available at the Online Couples Toolkit.

To find out more about my services click here: Couples Counseling 

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