Attachment styles refer to the way in which an individual relates to other people in relationships. Your style of attachment is formed at the beginning of your life and it stays with you and affects how you connect in your relationships. Bowlby identified four types of attachment styles:

  • Secure Attachment: People who developed under the secure attachment style are described as having the ability to connect well and feel secure in relationships. A securely attached person is not afraid of intimacy and trusts others. People who have a secure attachment style believe they are worthy of love.
  • Avoidant-Insecure Attachment: People who developed under the avoidant attachment style tend to be overly independent. This form of insecure attachment style is marked by a fear of intimacy. People with avoidant attachment style have commitment issues and avoid intimacy.
  • Anxious-Insecure Attachment: People who developed under the anxious attachment style tend to feel more nervous and less secure in their relationships. This form of insecure attachment style is marked by a deep fear of abandonment. Anxiously attached people tend to feel more needy, possessive, jealous, and oversensitive.
  • Disorganized-Insecure Attachment: is a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with disorganized attachment styles crave affection and want to be loved by others but they also are reluctant to develop intimate romantic relationships. People who developed under the disorganized attachment style tend to have difficulty trusting others, controlling their emotions and struggle with confidence.

How Your Attachment Style Developed

Our attachment style develops from inconsistent or consistent parenting and how our caregivers treated us. There are various causes of insecure attachments for example, you may have had a young or inexperienced mother or a depressed caregiver. Or, you may have suffered traumatic experiences during your childhood. In addition, your caregivers may have neglected, rejected, abused or been too slow to respond to your basic needs.

Our childhood experiences and how we were raised shape and cause our unique attachment styles. We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to treat us as our parents did and this all plays out in our intimate relationships.

How Your Style Manifests in Relationships

These attachment styles manifest differently in relationships. For example, securely attached people are generally positive, trusting and loving in their relationships. Avoidant attached adults tend to have difficulty reaching any levels of depth and generally avoid getting emotionally close. People with anxious attachment styles usually feel unworthy of love and there is a fear of being abandoned and rejected in their relationships. People with disorganized attachment styles tend to be unpredictable and confusing. They seek love but also tend to push their partners away as they also fear love.

Overcoming Unhealthy Attachment Styles

Working on resolving your childhood issues and traumatic experiences are important in overcoming unhealthy attachment styles. It’s important to learn how to effectively communicate with your partner as you develop a deeper understanding of what caused you and or your partner to develop an unhealthy attachment style.

Counseling can help you identify and heal from painful issues that caused your insecure attachment style. A skilled relationship counselor can help you learn to trust and develop a healthy and more secure attachment in your relationship.

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