Happiness in your relationship is a beautiful thing. And sincere and loving acceptance? Well, that is heaven.
But if you’re a nag, loving feelings can fade quickly. Do you wear your partner down with unfair absolutes like “ You never think about me!” or “ You always overreact?” Sadly, with every nitpicking, critical comment, nagging can slowly tear down the lovelier relationship qualities you enjoy.
So, why do you do it? You know it’s counterproductive. You hate that your partner increasingly views your commentary and demands as eroding satisfaction and contentment. Is there anything you can do to rectify your needling ways and bring back the safe sense of belonging that drew you together?
Of course! Don’t give up on yourself or surrender the connection between you and your partner to resentment (or, worse, contempt). You can course-correct when it comes to controlling, critical behavior. Here’s how:
Absolutes are Absolutely the Worst Way to Get What (You Think) You Want
Think of those black and white statements as argumentative escalators. If you want a fight, even one waged in your minds via silent treatment, start telling your partner how much they never please you or always get on your nerves.
Friends don’t tell friends that they “only” serve to make life harder. Your partner is your friend, one you once hoped for and wanted to keep for a long time. What changed?
If you catch yourself trying to put them in their place by pointing out their inadequacies, it’s time to look inward. Get curious and check in with yourself rather than paying so much attention to them and their behavior.
Prevent Nagging by Getting Specific
When you employ “never” and “always,” so often, the credibility of your latest concern is already called into question. Nagging just inspires resentment and gives your partner the sense that you’re willing to assassinate their character.
If you need something or want something done, it’s important to bring respect back to your interactions. Deal with requests and grievances specifically.
By keeping your observations to comments like “when you did this, I felt that” or “I need your help with this every day” you bring clarity to the conversation. This allows space for discussion rather than a perennial cycle of your disappointment.
Avoid Nitpicking by Surrendering Your Need to Control
“Always” and “Never” statements are frequently used when we want to win arguments, not work as a team. Consider why you need to assign your partner tasks. Why do you feel qualified to continually question their motives and verbally push them around?
“Always” and “Never” statements are exaggerations that communicate your own unmet needs. They attempt to solicit an emotional response, box your partner in, and unfairly put you in a superior position.
As a rule, move away from the idea that you need to make your partner listen to you, do what you want, or think about things a certain way. Instead of trying to insist on your false absolutes, focus on the truth of your partner’s behavior. Seek out the positives where you can find them and share them openly.
Stop Wrecking Your Relationship by Getting to the Heart of the Disconnect
Unproductive communication is a habit in many relationships. Nagging and absolutes can become part of a cyclical, verbal dance that becomes exhausting and distancing. But you don’t have to go on this way.
If nagging and “always” or “never” statements have uncovered feelings of invalidation, lack of appreciation, and guilt, and more, it’s a perfect time to meet with a compassionate, experienced therapist. Couples counseling can help stop the negative slide in your communication and restore your connection.
So what’s next? Do you need Relationship Advice for growth and change? Check out our Online Couples Took Kit.
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