No one will tell you that substance use is actually the bonding experience they pretended it was.
They may tell you that it felt that way at first. Even you and your partner may have been convinced. You may remember, back at the beginning of things, when drinking or getting high felt like just part of a good time together.
Until the crashing-down times got to be more frequent and sober days were more and more disconnected. The addiction began to do what addiction always does, and you started to crash into each other and break your connection.
And now you’re likely wondering what happened to the natural high you used to get from just being together.
Does it feel smothered by the drinking or getting high? Has all the ugliness that comes with substance abuse become bigger than you both?
You aren’t alone if you feel uncertain about a future together. So many partners are wrestling with substance use and what it means for their relationship. The path back to each other, in support of your relationship recovery, isn’t easy. Yet, it can be done.
The reality? In relationships where there is substance abuse, certain commitments need to happen for lasting change to occur. Turning things around cannot be forced but it can be chosen in the following ways:
Substance Use Recovery Requires These 4 Commitments to Save Your Relationship
1. Commit to Admit the Problem & Actively Recover
This is non-negotiable. There can be no denial of the substance use. The individual work is what keeps the relational work safe and ongoing. It is up to you both to do your own work. If only one of you is using then that person must be actively participating in treatment. The other must not impede that process in any way. If you both need to get individual help first, prioritize that care.
2. Commit to a Relationship Recovery Plan
Just as the person needs a strategy for successful rehabilitation, so does your relationship. Key relationships norms and expectations become skewed in the downward spiral of substance abuse. You and your partner may have become verbally abusive, emotionally hardened, and repeatedly hurtful toward each other.
Thereby, your communication and conflict skills may have suffered. Your ability to see and support the positives that still exist between you may be buried. Moreover, the boundaries that you both promised not to breach may be ineffective as codependency and enabling mar your interactions.
To change these things, you need a professional with skill set to counsel and guide you. They can support you as you gauge the impact on your life in concrete terms (financial, legal, etc) and the effects that are more nuanced (thought patterns, unproductive communication, childhood trauma).
From there, you can start seeing hope and a new picture of your life and healthy lifestyle together.
3. Commit to a Healthy Community of Supporters
Seeking out people who understand your journey together is vital. Finding a trustworthy, nonjudgmental community must be something you both willingly embrace to keep yourselves safe, seen, and heard. Acceptance, accountability, and positive reinforcement beyond your relationship make all the difference.
Just as your therapist encourages and guides you, the patience and empathy of others invested in your love story foster hope and motivation. Such support also provides a community with who to celebrate all of your small victories along the way.
4. Commit to Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Substance abuse and the fallout of care are often intimidating obstacles. For you to scale them successfully, forgiveness, teamwork, and cooperation are required. Partnerships don’t work well if one or both members refuse to let go of the past. Grudges and punishment stifle the kind of intimacy that makes a stronger relationship possible.
Fully engage in the process together. Offering compassionate understanding to yourselves and each other moves the relationship ball forward. You can set mindful goals, avoid relapse, and practice productive communication. Embrace wellness and a mutually satisfying connection as a unit. You can do it.
The Relationship Suite
We can help you. We’re here to help you overcome unhealthy behaviors, gain coping skills, and create new possibilities together. To schedule a free, 20-minute consultation, please reach out.
As therapists, we have worked with the addicts in recovery, the partners of substance users, and the couple and we believe it is important to handle the situation with empathy, acceptance, and patience. With hard work, forgiveness, and the right kind of support and counseling, many couples are able to heal their relationship and create a new and healthier relationship. This takes a lot of time, patience, and persistence, but a new level of trust and intimacy can happen.
