Working through the aftermath of an affair can be excruciating work. It may feel like pain is woven into every aspect of the process. From discovery to recovery, your path forward requires an enormous amount of support and intention.
In the midst of it all, it’s easy to forget one crucial aspect of your response to your relationship crisis: grief.
Are you so intent on moving away from the intensity, confusion, and disruption of the affair that you resist the idea of grieving what you’ve lost?
For complete healing, you need to fully process the affair. Honestly facing the situation, feeling and honoring your emotions, and finding meaning are invaluable products of grief. They can all help you move constructively forward.
Why Does Grieving Matter?
Healthy Grief Is a Mindful Act of Acceptance
After an affair comes to light, accepting your losses is critical to your lasting recovery whether you stay together or not. Many people in your position try to power through betrayal and loss. However, instead of burying your emotions or trying to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” take some time to sit with your emotions and honor them. Pay attention to your thoughts and acknowledge the reality.
The emotional waves that come are normal. You don’t have to suppress sadness, anxiety, anger, loneliness, guilt, relief, and even feelings of disorientation. Allow them to exist. Notice and pay attention to your own thoughts without judgment or attempting to control them. Give yourself permission to be where you are.
Healthy Grief Makes Space for the Full Gamut of Your Response
To grieve well, grieve your own way. There is no right or wrong way to do so. It’s important to realize that grief isn’t a linear process. What matters more is your commitment to the following:
- guidance from a knowledgeable counselor.
- patience with yourself and the process.
- self-care and self-compassion. Meet your needs.
- finding an empathetic support system. Embrace safe people with whom you share honestly.
To move forward productively, you’ll do well to fully work through the reality of the affair and its fallout. It takes time to gain your equilibrium and temper your initial reactivity with deeper insight. In time, you’ll be able to reflect and view your relationship through a wider lens.
Healthy Grief Can Foster Growth & Transformation
Fully grieving releases you of the need to perpetually manage the distress, relive the pain, or live in shame or blame. Failing to properly grieve can foster bitterness and resentment, breeding mistrust, defensiveness, and isolation. When the grief is fully processed you can get to the question, “what does the affair mean for me?”
When you mourn the affair productively freedom, forgiveness, and more result. The experience is transformed and can be a significant growth experience and motivator as you move on.
Take the Next Step
Hopefully, you can see that pushing past your affair is not the healthiest way to get through this season of your life. It’s okay to allow yourself to acknowledge the hurt, feel your way through, and determine for yourself the lessons learned.
Please know that you don’t have to do any of this alone. Whether you decide to leave your relationship or reconcile, a therapist’s support is invaluable. With help, you can prevent getting stuck in the trauma or drowning in negative emotions. An objective, compassionate, and qualified helper is an important guide as you accept the present and decide what goals you want to set for the future.
The Relationship Suite
We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in couples/marriage counseling. Since Covid started we have been working with couples providing Online Couples Counseling in New York, New York City including Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Long Island, South Hampton, East Hampton, Montauk. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
Due to Covid, we are also providing Virtual Couples Counseling in New Jersey, Hoboken, Jersey City, Princeton, Chatham, Morris, Westfield, Union, Bergen County, Colts Neck, Tenafly. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
