Parenting styles. How much time did you really spend thinking about and discussing them before you decided to remarry?
Are you even really sure what they are? Maybe you just know that you don’t like your partner’s approach and you don’t know what to do about it.
Your kids can sense it when you and your partner aren’t on the same page. In traditional circumstances, this can be problematic. In your blended family, unresolved parenting differences can be downright disastrous, if you don’t come together.
Why? Parental ambiguity leads to distrust and imbalances when it comes to family contribution and discipline. Disagreements and indecision lead to lost respect and family fractures. None of which is good for your union or your kids’ development, relationships, and eventual launch in the world.
So, what’s a committed couple like you to do?
Accept that clarity is king when it comes to blending your parent life.
In much the same way that you expressed a desire to share your lives and communicate your personal needs, the best course of action is to talk things through.
Ideally, you should do this at length, long before you tie the knot. However, if you’re already blending and struggling to figure things out, it’s time to ramp up the communication and commit to the necessary work.
The first order of business?
Pay Attention to Your Own Style First
Though there are certainly variations on the following four parenting styles, you may recognize that you lean toward one type more than another:
If your way is the only way you may have an authoritarian parenting style.
Do you feel that “because I said so,” is all the explanation your kids need when the household standards are set? This rarely proves effective for stepchildren and stepparents. Demands and unwillingness to talk things out and share feelings communicate control.
If you discipline firmly, discuss, and encourage introspection, you could have an authoritative parenting style.
Routinely approaching a wayward child with statements like,“ Your behavior is unacceptable because…” indicates you lean toward a balance of parental control and warm interaction. Do you invite your kids to discuss their poor choices and the consequences? Respectful, communication, appeal, and negotiation are likely encouraged. Their autonomy and understanding of responsibility to the family group are emphasized.
If you prefer to indulge rather than instruct your child, you may have a permissive parenting style.
Are you constantly saying, “it’s fine by me” to your child’s requests? If so, your kids probably have high self-esteem and strong interpersonal abilities. However, your indulgence may feel unfair to your stepchildren and inspire conflict among all of the kids. Moreover, the lack of restrictions and confrontation that lean heavily on self-regulation may foster trouble when discipline or cooperation are required.
If you tend not to really pursue interaction, you might have an uninvolved parenting style.
You may not express much in the way of either warmth or control. Perhaps parenting isn’t a high priority or you don’t feel you were parented well enough to engage. Connecting, one way or another, is likely rare.
Offer Acceptance, Get Curious, & Be Compassionate
Ultimately, your marriage is a safe space for belonging and understanding. The goal is not to assert whose parenting style is superior. Honor each other’s desire to parent your children optimally. Backing off the confrontation and contentious feelings to communicate a loving, cooperative mindset opens the door to solutions.
A good rule of thumb? Get curious. Ask each other questions like these:
- Where is your parent style coming from?
- How do you feel you were parented?
- What fears do you have regarding parenting?
- What is your goal in parenting the way you do?
- Which parenting mistakes do you feel you’ve made? How do you want to rectify them?
The idea here is to get to the emotions behind your parenting styles. Sharing is a vital way to gain some personal insight, further cement your bond, and secure a united front with the kids.
Come Together Regarding Family Values
Talk about the blended family values you want to instill. Combine your styles to achieve these aims.
How do you want your children to think of their time with you and the lessons learned? Think of ways you can foster values and abilities together rather than separating kids into “mine and yours” camps. Though you may need to approach your biological children separately at times, adherence to overall family values can provide a firm family foundation.
Reach Out Together
Sometimes, an objective perspective makes all the difference if one or both of you feels married to a parenting style. If you’ve reached an impasse, consider sessions with a qualified therapist. Don’t wait to get on the same page and grow family satisfaction. We’re here to help with your parenting approaches and more. Feel free to contact us and open the lines of communication.
The Relationship Suite
We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in couple and marriage therapy. If you want to learn more about our Blended Family Counseling Services CLICK HERE. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
