Should I Date a Person in Recovery? How Couples Addiction Recovery Counseling NYC Can Help You Decide
You finally met someone great. That’s fantastic.
However, it turns out that your someone great is also recovering from substance use. So, what now?
Let’s be honest, your potential partner’s reality is no small thing. But is it everything? Not necessarily.
People in recovery are more than their substance use. Still, for things to progress well, you must be certain that their sobriety is their priority. The baggage they manage is considerable and it deserves careful consideration on your part.
To get a clear sense of how you want to proceed, it’s important to deal with certain truths, expectations, and challenges unique to your situation. And all of this, of course, is added to the time and effort that comes with building any intimate connection.
So “should you date a person recovering from substance ue”? Let’s consider the following strategies to figure things out.
Couples Substance Use Recovery NYC: Eyes Open & Rose-Colored Glasses Off
When you are deeply attracted to someone, it’s natural to ride the wave of infatuation and focus primarily on that person’s positive traits. Still, it is very important not to avoid parts of their life and history that might be significant cause for concern. This is particularly true concerning substance use.
It may be that the person you are interested in has come into your life self-aware, dedicated to their treatment plan, and able to resist the temptations of the past. Or there may be signs that they are still struggling significantly. Regardless, you must be willing to see things as they are not as you hope they could be.
The key thing here? Take the time you need to understand the current situation and what you are willing to take on. A good way to start that process while dating might include:
A sound education regarding substance use
If you don’t know much about substance use recovery and treatment, now is the time to do a bit of research. You’ll want to learn how substance use impacts the sufferer’s body and brain, emotions, and relationships.
Your date has likely endured much and affected others significantly. Understanding the recovery process, and their response to it, is crucial before deeply integrating your own life. After learning more, ask yourself,” Does learning about substance use recovery inspire me to be a support or reconsider the relationship?”
An honest assessment of their commitment to sobriety
Knowing whether you should date someone in recovery lies heavily on this point. If they are waffling on their treatment protocols or using dates with you to push them aside, question where they are on their journey. Generally, you’d want to know that they’ve been successful and committed for at least a year. Is the timing right?
A clear picture of relapse and what it means for you
Relapse is part of every recovering substance users life. What does that mean for you? Before you dive too deeply into a connection, you’ll want to glean what you can about the role relapse plays in your dating partner’s life.
Pay attention to their perspective on relapse, consider the likelihood of it occurring, and, not least of all, factor in your internal response to the idea. Ask yourself what you could tolerate and how you would proceed in the relationship. Does the risk of relapse make ongoing trust and a stable life too improbable?
Respect for any red flags and your own instincts
Most substance users once made a habit of doing or saying things meant to hide their habit and manipulate others. If this tendency isn’t fully recognized or eliminated, dating and connecting meaningfully may be tricky or even toxic. Even as they try to change, they may still have relational work to do. Have you seen any red flags emerge?
For example, be careful if they hint that dates with you “make them want to use.” Don’t overlook a tendency to be very secretive or evasive. More importantly, consider it a warning sign if they imply that your time, money, and assistance are essential to their sobriety. You’ll likely benefit greatly by taking a step back for perspective and the advice of those you trust.
Couples Substance Use Recovery NYC: Awareness, Honesty, and Firm Boundaries
If you decide to continue exploring the possibilities of life with someone recovering from substance use, examining more than just their history is important too. Developing a relationship requires a willingness to look at how to support the other person’s wellbeing as well as your own.
This requires a focus on awareness, communication, and boundaries that all relationships require. How willing are you to communicate honestly, protect trust, honor their commitment to the treatment plan, while making practical accommodations to keep them and your relationship safe?
It’s okay if you aren’t sure yet. Yet, you don’t want to fall into a deep connection without the following:
1. Serious introspection
You can avoid making a disastrous or destructive connection by knowing yourself well. Examine your own relationship past. Are you a rescuer or fixer? Do you have a tendency to people-please? Perhaps you’ve chosen abusive partners in the past?
Consider what your relationship habits and perspectives bring to the table.
2. Counting the cost to your daily life
Things change when you blend your life with another person’s life. That is often a good thing. Still, for a person with destructive leanings, cravings, or triggers, a partner will likely need to accept certain practical sacrifices. Socializing, dining, dancing, or traveling in certain ways may no longer be possible as you support their sobriety. Canceled events or plans may be necessary.
Determining what you can give up without resentment helps determine where the relationship is heading.
3. Understanding that boundaries matter
If dating this person is important to you, protect your connection by resisting any temptation to become an enabler or caregiver. Share your relationship needs and expectations. Be clear about your deal breakers and hold firm.
Setting limits is a sign of respect, not control. Remember, they are more than their substance use. Your relationship needs to be more than your combined attempts to manage it.
Creating boundaries defines you both as equally responsible partners going forward.
Couples Substance Use Recovery NYC: How Working with an Experienced Therapist Makes a Difference
Finally, you might wonder why sessions with a therapist are ideal so early in your relationship with a recovering substance user. There are coping skills, trust issues, and recurring challenges from a difficult past that must be weighed thoughtfully. You deserve a safe space to work things through.
An experienced therapist can help you communicate productively and compassionately as you date. Experienced therapy is often the best way to build skills that make you the supportive influence you want to be, honor your own relational needs, and foster the patience and compassion required.
The Relationship Suite
We can come alongside you if you do decide to move forward in a relationship with someone navigating recovery. Let us aid you in identifying and overcoming obstacles and creating new possibilities together. To schedule a free, 20-minute consultation, please reach out.
As therapists, we have worked with substance users in recovery, the partners of substance users, and the couple. We believe it is important to handle the situation with empathy, acceptance, and patience. With hard work, forgiveness, and the right kind of support and counseling, many couples can heal their relationship and create a new and healthier relationship. This takes a lot of time, patience, and persistence, but a new level of trust and intimacy can happen.
If you’re looking for couples counseling for substance abuse, call 917-273-8836 or email us. We are currently providing Online/Virtual Video Counseling to our clients with HIPAA-based platforms.
We are a group of skilled therapists specializing in individual and couples counseling. Since Covid, we have bene working with couples via Online Counseling in New York, New York City including Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, Westchester, Long Island, South Hampton, East Hampton, Montauk. To schedule a complimentary consultation, click HERE.
We also provide Virtual Counseling in New Jersey, Hoboken, Jersey City, Princeton, Chatham, Morris, Westfield, Union, Bergen County, Colts Neck, Tenafly. Schedule a complimentary consultation by clicking HERE.
